Unattainable Dreams

This is, by far, one of the most rambling-thing I've ever written.  But I feel it is very important for me to write this.  All of these thoughts over the next few paragraphs are what is going through my head in a span of about 5 minutes... Imagine what my days are like.  I don't hope for a result from the post.  I just hope that it will put my mind at ease, somewhat.

I lie awake at night, my mind racing.  Depression hurts, but this is not a normal type of depression, whatever that is.  I constantly think to myself, "What am I doing?" These dreams I have, I want them badly.  But they always seem as if they are as far apart as the sun is from the moon.  To most, I would seem a confused, mid-life crisis sort of character.  After all, I have a fantastic job, house, family...and yet I long for something more.  I can find 100 different things to do, every day, and yet I am so bored.  The time spent sitting in a porch swing could fill more books than the work done by 10 people behind a desk and computer screen.  Why?  Because it's real.  These dreams, they depress me, because I want more than a keyboard and screen that tells me I succeeded at something.  I want to feel the earth - the WHOLE EARTH - to offer up a bounty of reward, thanks to my hard work and dedication.  I want to run - run with dogs, with kids, with my best friend - and not hit a barrier.  I want to live life with the seasons, not against them.   I have almost unlimited access to nearly everything I need here, as well - but why!?  I often wonder "if it was 1am, and there were no stores to go get a package of clear plastic forks, would I really be freaking out right now?  No!  Because I wouldn't know any different, and would have no reason to worry.  I would just have to do without." 

Why do I want this so bad?  I have no idea, honestly.  Other than the fact that I have chosen to live in something that goes against the very nature of this country (or so it seems, but actually doesn't...regardless I'm making a point), I could do this in my own backyard.  I could grow some vegetables.  I could even have a few chickens.  But it just doesn't feel right.  It mentally hurts me that I am stuck here...and I am bothered by that a little - surely no one should feel like that.  I think being raised in East Texas part of my life is starting to come out, and my old self is really pissed off at my new self.  My new self wonders, though, worries about the changes that would happen with family and friends.  My new self wonders, "you don't really know if you'd like this 'other life' anyways - you would be so screwed if you changed your mind."  My new self is the voice of reason, and my old self is... me.  And for now, I will continue to want, to dream, to desire something more fulfilling, and it will continue to depress me.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I apologize for my insanity. :P